The Funny Side of the Law

They say laughter is the best brief. Here’s a full docket of lawyer-approved humor to lighten the load.

1. My landlord said no pets allowed. I said my cat identifies as a roommate.

2. Why don’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.

3. I told my lawyer I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

4. A lawyer’s epitaph: “Finally billing in peace.”

5. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.

6. Client: “How much do you charge?”

Lawyer: “$500 for three questions.”
Client: “That’s a lot, isn’t it?”
Lawyer: “Yes. What’s your third question?”

7. How many lawyer jokes are there, really? Only three. The rest are true stories.

8. Knock knock.

Who’s there?
Lawsuit.
Lawsuit who?
You’ll find out when you get served.

9. The judge asked the lawyer why he was in court wearing jeans.

Lawyer: “I’m here for casual litigation.”

10. Why did the law student bring a ladder to class? To raise the bar.

11. You know you’re a lawyer when you write a 5,000-word email… with attachments.

12. What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman.

13. If there are two lawyers in a room, there are at least three opinions.

14. I sued the airport for losing my luggage. I lost the case.

15. My lawyer advised me to plead insanity. I said, “Can I do that via Zoom?”

16. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech? After you’re dead, the leech stops sucking.

17. Why did the lawyer become a chef? Too many briefs, not enough beef.

18. A lawyer walks into a bar… and immediately files a liability suit.

19. The only thing more dishonest than a lawyer? Their voicemail greeting.

20. My lawyer charges by the minute. Even blinking costs me $2.

21. A jury is twelve people chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

22. Never ask a lawyer for directions — they’ll charge you for the roadmap.

23. Law school: where fun goes to die and comes back as debt.

24. I asked my lawyer friend for free advice. Now I owe him $200.

25. Lawyers don’t lie. They “reframe the truth.”

26. What do you get when you mix a crooked politician and a dishonest lawyer? Chelsea.

27. I’m not saying all lawyers are bad — some are just misunderstood villains.

28. The only time a lawyer cries is when a briefcase breaks.

29. What’s a lawyer’s favorite yoga pose? The litigation lunge.

30. Even my lawyer’s business card says “Trust Me” in quotation marks.

31. Law is the only profession where you get paid to argue and interrupt.

32. What did the honest lawyer say? Nothing. He’s fictional.

33. “I object!” said the toddler during dinner. Lawyer parent proud.

34. I wanted to be a lawyer… then I realized I like sleep.

35. What’s a lawyer’s favorite drink? Subpoena colada.

36. A lawyer’s favorite game? Hide and fee.

37. I accidentally subscribed to a lawyer’s newsletter. Now I can’t unsubscribe without mediation.

38. A lawyer took up gardening. Now they litigate the lawn.

39. Why did the lawyer refuse to use email? No billable hours for typing.

40. If a tree falls in a forest and no one’s around, can it sue for deforestation?

41. A lawyer’s kid doesn’t get a bedtime — they negotiate it.

42. Why did the paralegal get promoted? They knew how to make a case… and coffee.

43. The legal intern walked into a bar… and was immediately overruled.

44. If you marry a lawyer, make sure the prenup is in plain English.

45. What’s a litigator’s favorite movie? “Catch Me If You Can.”

46. Lawyers don’t ghost you — they go into silent retainer.

47. I told my lawyer a joke. He billed me for “oral argument.”

48. A lawyer’s version of Netflix and chill is “deposition and decompress.”

49. My lawyer says he’ll take 40%. I asked, “Of the winnings?” He said, “No, of your soul.”

50. In court, lawyers are like magicians — except their tricks cost $400 an hour.

51. Don’t ask a lawyer for their Spotify playlist. It’s all legal briefs.